I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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