So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
