when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize