weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
