Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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