we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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