I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
