I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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