i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
