It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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