The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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