Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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