Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
