so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
