I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
