can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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