The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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