Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
