I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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