grandma shit on top of the toilet
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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