at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize