I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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