oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
