you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
so much tequila, so little girl.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
