i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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