I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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