There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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