enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Floor bacon is actually really good
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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