my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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