Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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