there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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