i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
