We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
