I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
