i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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