Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
