I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
