I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The best revenge is premature balding
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
