Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
