I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
