i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
