I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
