I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize