I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
