He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
