You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my shit smells like andre
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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