Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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