booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
