But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My pussy is not your playground.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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