I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
