He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize