I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
