Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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