i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
