tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
