Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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