No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
