My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
