he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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