Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
