btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
